No longer a prisoner of my childhood …
The first thing I experienced is that I could breathe, really breathe! Once I started breathing, I couldn’t stop. It was similar to someone who has panic attacks. Until this unexpectedly happened, I didn’t even realize I had been holding my breath. I had been holding my breath my entire life.
The next shocking thing that happened was that I no longer wet the bed.
That’s right, you read that right, I was still wetting the bed at 16 years old. I didn’t do anything differently, it stopped the very first night I was out of that toxic childhood environment and it never happened again. Decades later, I learned that bedwetting represents fear of the dominant parent. That described my mother – no wonder I couldn’t stop it while under her thumb.
Although I lived through an abusive childhood until I got out I didn’t see how horrific it really was.
This realization came flooding through so fast that I felt my entire body changing physically. It was unexpected, and the first time I ever experienced anything like that. This total release was solid evidence of just how terrible that childhood was. I was shocked by the realization of just how destructive my mother really was, along with my family who supported her.
I couldn’t believe I got out alive.
It felt like I had just got out of prison, even though I had never been in an actual prison. I could literally feel my insides physically changing as I started to feel openly good for the first time in my life. I didn’t have to hide my real self anymore or feel like I had to walk on eggshells while constantly having to out-think my captor. For the first time in my life, I could say what I thought and felt. Suddenly realizing all of this, I was bewildered by the fact that no one ever intervened – stopping her from constantly abusing me? It was all of these realizations that made me pull away from the entire family at the age of 16.
I was finally in the “Life will get better for you as you get older…” part of my life. This was the part my Spirit Guides prophesized would happen “if I could make it through childhood.” Until I got out with my life, I only vaguely imagined what it would be like once my childhood was finally behind me.
I never actually realized how good it would feel once I was out of that repressive situation. It was so much better than I ever dared to let myself ever imagine while I was still in it. Gratitude was the primary feeling that carried me forward now. It was this enormous amount of gratitude I had that made every single day better than the day before. I was assured by my Spirit Guides that nothing in my life would ever be that bad again and they have been right. I was grateful, right down to the depth of my soul with an even deeper connection to my real family, my Spirit Guides and Angels.
Without them I wouldn’t have made it, without them I wouldn’t have wanted to. ~ Linda Deir